God’s Memoirs Rejected
Below is an excerpt from the God Memoirs. It was received during one of those pre-dawn half-dream like states when voices from beyond can sneak into the unprepared mind. I thought it might be important to let others know because it explains a lot. I tried submitting to McSweeney’s Internet Tendency website since their editors seemed to be in light enough moods not to kill themselves after reading it. Ironically, it was rejected by an editor named Monks. (SC)
The Submission
Entry 8, 349, 683, 201, 666: Humans
Humans, now that was a mistake. I can’t count the number of times I tried to get rid of them. And I can count pretty high. My mistake was giving them the survival instinct of a cockroach but not the good nature. I went for an upgraded version of apes because I thought the apes were a little too silly for the job. I should have stayed with the apes because in retrospect, silly is better than crazy.
It became quickly apparent that they had three major flaws. The first was they couldn’t follow simple instructions like “Don’t eat that.” The second was they don’t play well with others or with each other for that matter. The very first generation started killing each other. Third, they are totally delusional.
They think I made them in my own image, but they’ve never seen me. I know that because I don’t have an image. I intended for them to be caretakers. The idea of free will is so I don’t have the “whole world in my hands.” I’m too busy to be mowing lawns and trimming hedges. Just take a look at my “To Do” list:
- Maintain the fabric of spacetime
- Create a few billion stars
- Destroy a few billion stars
- Create a few billion black holes
- Create a few trillion planets
- Destroy a few trillion planets
- Create a few billion life forms
- Destroy a few billion life forms
- Delete sentient life form prayers from spam inbox
- Squeeze in a femtosecond to make a memoir entry
- Repeat above in infinite parallel universes
When I realized humans were not going to work out, I devised an extermination program to fix the problem. I coded into their world, floods, earthquakes, fires, storms, droughts, disease, etcetera, and etcetera. Basically, it was the works. I let the program run while I went away for a few millennia working on my other projects. To my utter amazement, when I came back they were still there. Not only were they there but they had increased in number. The real kicker is that they loved me for it. They had all sorts of bizarre organizations to praise me. Some even claimed to have met me. Talk about nutters.
I found this curious, so I looked at it in a little more detail. It turned out to be some kind of attempt to barter with me. My word, the chatter was unbearable. It all came down to “God if you do that, I will do this.” There was a lot of sacrificing animals and virgins as if I needed these things. They seem to have forgotten that I can make anything. The real crazies are the ones who say “You can watch me do things to myself if you do me a favor.” Believe me, I don’t find that entertaining, it’s just creepy.
Only one guy nearly got it right, Sid. I think his last name was Arthur. After doing the creepy stuff to himself he gave up. His conclusion was simple. “Just sit down and be quiet. I don’t think He gives a rat’s ass. We’re on our own.” The “He” was the wrong part. If anything, I think of myself as Bi.
Then, there are the books. I am the attributed author of a whole variety of fantasy, historical fiction and self-help books. Apparently, I’m a best-selling author. I’m still waiting for the royalty checks.
As the Creator, you have to know when to cut your losses. It’s too bad, because I liked a lot of the stuff I put into that world, especially the kittens (See Chapter 3 where I discuss kittens in more detail. They’re irresistible, even to humans). All the humans had to do was to take care of what I made and enjoy the scenery, but instead they turned the place into a drunken frat party with weapons. In the end I just said “Eff it! Que sera, sera.” I’m just glad I put them in the wilderness of a back water galaxy where they won’t bother anyone else.
The Autoreply
Thanks for your submission. Expect a reply within two weeks. If you don’t hear back from us in that time, please submit your piece again. If you don’t hear back from us after submitting again, it’s probably because you didn’t follow our posted submission guidelines.
McSweeney’s Internet Tendency
The Rejection
Appreciate your considering us for this one, but I’m afraid I’m going to pass.
Best,
Christopher Monks
Tendency Editor
The Reply
Hi Chris,
I forwarded your decision not to publish to The Creator. The response is below:
Not surprised. I rarely am. Humans have never published anything I actually said, especially, the monks.